in Film History
by Andrew Beckerman
It's no secret that fiction loves to doll up reality with the pretty bows of drama and complications. I mean, that's why it's compelling and real life isn't. Reality is about as complicated as a Little Debbie Snack Treat. The most difficult decision most people have to make in the course of their daily lives is what image to masturbate to (According to a Gallup poll, the top two favorites are a pretty lady's left breast and the scream of a cyborg - the latter of which has been said to deliver the most quixotic climax in the Earthly realm). In the hands of an able scribe - say the writers of The Wire - fiction's tomfoolery is never apparent, but in the twisted and misshapen claws of a hack, we, the viewers, are violently jarred out of our slack-jawed gape. And one of the hack's favorite mechanisms for making his or her piece of fiction into a heap of shit is the terrorist. Real life terrorists aren't irrational retards with insanely complicated Rube Goldbergian plots. They want complex things but they use simple means to get them: guns, bombs, etc. But fictional terrorists are the complete opposite: simple things (world domination, a magic diamond) by means of the most elaborate scheme possible with the least likely chance of success. Freud would have a field day with these schmucks. So, catalogued for you, the most needlessly complex fictional terrorist plots/organizations.
The plot: And just like the vets that try to change things through protest and by lobbying their congressperson, Hummel... steals missiles full of nerve gas and then takes tourists at Alcatraz hostage, threatening to destroy San Fran unless the US dishes out some well-deserved cash to its forgotten soldiers.
Why it failed: Way too many things to keep track of... invading black-ops teams, hostages, the US government's plans, the missiles, the wildcard duo of Cage and Connery (AKA the flies in the ointment). When you have this many moving parts in a system, at least one of them is likely to gum up the works with shittiness.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Wait until the US government becomes involved in an illegal war in a Middle Eastern country. Then become an independent contractor and get your ass paid.
Endnote: Like David X. Cohen of Futurama, Hummel added the X. after SAG informed him there was already a soldier on file with his name.
The plot: The version of SPECTRE from the novels isn't really totally insane, but the film version sure is. Their aim is world domination through the basic stratagem of playing world powers off each other and then picking up the pieces after all is said and done. So, you know, like America in World War II.
Why it failed: Jesus, go watch the Austin Powers trilogy. If you're a masochist that is. If not, the Hank Scorpio episode of The Simpsons is great.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: First ask yourself, why do I want to control the entire world? Most of this dirtball is a shitheap. Who needs the headaches? But if you're still into the whole powertrip thing, just become the head of the UN. They have a lot of world authority, right? J/k, man.
Endnote: The part in the third (second?) Austin Powers flick where he makes an overt reference to Heineken? A little part of the 21st Century's soul died at the precise moment it was filmed.
The plot: Seize control of the airport that the drug lord's plane is touching down at and hold the whole place hostage until he is released. In Fictiontown, drug lords are very rare, and when one is captured, there's never anyone to take his place.
Why it failed: Do you see a pattern developing? It's like Scooby-Doo: I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids. Kids like Nicolas Cage, James Bond, Bruce Willis. Because as we all know, one person really can make a difference.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Tip the US government off that if anyone prosecutes the drug lord, some very nasty secrets involving the government's involvement with that drug lord will come out. See drug lord immediately released.
Endnote: Is there a scene in this where Bruce Willis rides a falling bomb and shouts "Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!" or was that merely a dream?
The plot: Plant bombs in public places, like on a bus. But make it really complicated, like make it so that it arms only above 50 mph and detonates if the bus goes under that speed. That way, there's a loophole. Also, play games with the cops so that they have enough time to figure out what's going on and can stop you during the climactic heart-pounding final chase on a subway.
Why it failed: It's a stupid plan. Like, really stupid. Monumentally so. In reality, no one plants bombs just to extort money. There's way easier ways of getting cash, especially if you're an explosives expert. Payne's cat-and-mouse antics sure didn't help. Just blow up the fucking bus and rig another one. Eventually you'll get what you want.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Just become a crooked cop and get hooked up with the mafia. Or rob an Armenian money train like America's favorite dysfunctional police detective Vic Mackie! Either way, the payoff's huge and there's no arcane and complicated explosives shenanigans to deal with. And heck, if one of your aims is to embarrass the LAPD... do you really need to do anything extra?
Endnote: Apparently, Jan de Bont cut out a really explicit sex scene between Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock that was to occur on the bus, after a Christian watchdog group protested, claiming it promoted the use of contraceptives.
The plot: Let's take one where it got really silly: the movie, where Cobra-La is revealed. Yes, I'm saying that it doesn't get really silly until the movie. Having just discovered Cobra Commander's secret ancestors: an ancient group of genetic body-modifiers known as Cobra-La, COBRA and Cobra-La set out to cleanse the world of everyone by devolving them into snakes with space-spores. You know, like a terrorist peanut butter cup. "Hey you got some eugenics in my genocide." "No, you got some genocide in my eugenics."
Why it failed: The fucking US military's special OPs group GI Joe! And, also, let's be honest, they probably sabotaged themselves. Who wants to rule a world of barren nothingness where only you and a select few survive? Besides the Republican elites, that is.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Wait it out until the human race destroys themselves. Cobra-La was already getting along fine on their own. All they needed to do was give it fifty more years, and we would have wiped ourselves out.
Endnote: Remember the time that GI Joe was deployed to occupy Cobra-La, and everyone thought they'd be greeted as liberators, but then it turned into a huge quagmire?
The plot: During one of the last shitty X-men crossovers, the MLF's leader... uh... does something convoluted for some reason... and... there's no coherent ideology for the MLF to do what they do... and some bad guys team up... no, wait, alright, their leader wants revenge on Professor X, see, and the MLF is made up of anarchists... no, that doesn't seem right... ah, fuck it.
Why it failed: Who the fuck knows what "it" even is?
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Fire the writers of the big crossover and hire someone that can actually write characters and a narrative, which are two pretty big things you need when telling stories. Then have those writers create characters that have actual feelings and that interact with the other characters in interesting ways and not just based on a singular character trait (if any character trait is exhibited at all... and no, a superpower is not a character trait). Then have the writer create an interesting story in which the characters act in believable ways based on what we already know about them. Perhaps use the story to say something interesting or to reveal unknown facets of the characters.
Endnote: A lot of people wasted a lot of money on comic books in the 1990s.
The plot: One supposes that everything hinges upon them making their neighbor, a man whose wife died in some Ruby Ridge-like botched FBI fuck-up, paranoid enough to suspect them but that no one in power believes his paranoia and also that he drives into a government building with an unknown bomb in his car.
Why it failed: Well, technically it didn't fail because the scriptwriters rigged it in such a way. Like when you go to the carnival and you can never get the ring around the prize you want because the stand the prize is on is bigger than the ring. Or like when you propose to your girlfriend, and she reveals she's been cheating on you.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: First of all, if you're a terrorist, supposedly you have some reason you are terrorizing people, a political reason usually. Which is why you take credit for whatever violence you perpetrate. What the fuck is the point of blaming a patsy? Does the Arlington Road terrorist conspiracy just like explosions? Anyway, here's what you do: 1) Blow something up (it's not tough). 2) Take credit it for it. 3) Never get what you want because the US ain't no fucking pussy, hoorah!
Endnote: A movie with Joan Cusack and not John? What did that prick have to do that he couldn't be on set? Film Serendipity?
The plot: Something about blowing up cities in Florida with nuclear warheads. Florida, the cultural, spiritual and economic capital of the United States. Or, wait, the flaccid cock of our shitty country which is brimming with hicks and is governed by one of the Bush bros.
Why it failed: No one counted on the Governator to gum up the works! Just like no one counted on him to win an election even if it was rigged in his favor.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Like nukes are tough to find after the USSR fell apart. Just go buy one from some ex-KGB douche for the price of a McDonald's happy meal and a toss in the sack with one of Moscow's finest whores (ah, to have a tummy full of nuggets while you take advantage of a woman forced into the streets by your country's decrepit economy - Earth is truly a garden of delights!). Then pick a target someone will care about. Not Florida.
Endnote: Feel free to use this space to create your own Jamie-Lee-Curtis-is-a-hermaphrodite-joke if you get off on that kind of shit, you insensitive prick. However, try watching "The Little Things" episode of Freaks and Geeks, and we'll see if afterward you have the same attitude.
The plot: World-domination? Counter-intelligence? Power something or other? At the very least, Sloane himself was a three-dimensional character who had some kind of motivation, the aforementioned unhealthy obsession with Rambaldi, and would go to great lengths to see his obsession sated. Like when a junkie sells his mommy's TV in order to get a quick fix or like when your best friend sleeps with your girlfriend even though he knows you're planning to ask for her hand in marriage.
Why it failed: Sydney Bristow was a double agent in SD-6. And so was her dad. And by the end of the fucking series so was everyone because the writers at some point gave up caring about the characters and just wanted to see how many "Bet you never saw that coming!" switcheroos they could pull on the audience, who quickly grew weary of the constant and unearned trickery.
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Alright, let's pretend we live in the fictional universe of Alias, and you want riches and power not to live a life of luxury but because you're batshit insane and want to collect the works of some nutball inventor. Couldn't you just use your money and influence to acquire those things rather than have to deal with an elaborate conspiracy? How do wealthy idiots in the real world collect the insane shit they collect?
Endnote: What the hell did the Mueller Device end up doing anyway?
The plot: Kidnap US president. Force him to order the release of the tyrant. Uh, then, uh, go back to Kazakhstan and... party?
Why it failed: Because it's an incredibly shitty plan. Alright, alright, maybe that's unfair. It seems like a decent plan, right? The US was definitely part of the joint military force that put an end to General Ivan Radek's reign of terror, which is something the US does all the time - altruistically stopping dictators, like, say, all the ones in Africa we've stopped. And then, one would gather, no one in the world wants to see an American president get killed, so the Russians will let the homicidal dictator they just helped to capture go so that another homicidal democratically-elected leader will also be set free. But no one counted on that homicidal democratically-elected leader gumming up the works, did they?
An easier way to accomplish the same thing: Let Radek rot in prison. Wait for the American/Russian forces to go home. Seize control of the country for yourself with a military coup. Reap the rewards of ill-gotten power (which includes half off any Ice Cream Fundae at a participating Kazakhstani Carvel).
Endnote: Hey, make up your own G.W. Bush-in-Air Force One joke about him letting his family die as he escapes. See ya later, Laura!
1. Marine Brigadier General Francis X. Hummel from The Rock
2. SPECTRE from the Bond films
3. Colonel Stuart from Die Hard 2
4. Howard Payne from Speed
5. COBRA from G.I. Joe
6. Mutant Liberation Front from X-Force
7. Oliver and Cheryl Lang from Arlington Road
8. Crimson Jihad from True Lies
9. SD-6 from Alias
10. Egor Korshunov from Air Force One